“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to this auspicious occasoooon of my beautiful and very well educated daughter Tiffany. Just like the very high end jewelry store, our Tiffany does not come cheap. We have educated her in the finest institusooons. No expenses have been spared in raising our very beautiful and educated daughter. In fact, people who have heard her speak think she is British because that is the schooling system she went through. She did not go to these cheap and questionable Kenyan schools, no, we has money, and therefore, we must rub solders with people who has money like us, donge?
But I digress. My name is Sospeter Owuor Esquire, JD. For those of you who are wondering what the letters after my name are, let me enlighten you. I have read books, many books. I have read these many books well enough that I have reached ‘no class ahead’. In other words, I have a PhD. in law. I am a very prominent lawyer, and for those of you who are not familiar with my name, you might have seen me on several TV programmes, giving high profile and crucial legal advice when called upon as my schedule allows. Soon, you will see my name on the Forbes richest people list. In fact, I was just on the phone with a member of their staff yesterday.
Just to give you some background on how I began my journey to my illustrious career, I was born in Kasipul Kabondo, and attended primary school at Pand Gikmoko Primary School. Because of my outstanding performance there, I was selected to join Alliance High School, which as you all know, is the only Kenyan secondary school worth attending. I proved to be more intelligent than some of the brightest minds of my generation, I passed with flying colors and was admitted to Nairobi University.
When I arrived at the university, I applied my superior intellect on those books and the lecturers had no choice but to award me first class honors. During my time at Nairobi University, the ladies would see me and they would come flocking! They all wanted to be part of the greatness that is Sospeter Owuor, future Esquire, JD. I conducted a very thorough selection process, and the lucky lady is this woman here, my wife and the mother of this beautiful daughter of ours. If you are dazzled by my accomplishments, let me tell you about my wife, Dr. Pamela Awiti. Now, this Pamela of mine, is very beautiful, and she is the source of our Tiffany’s beauty. I am the source of Tiffany’s brains hehehehe. So as you can see, this is a great partnesiiip of beauty and brains. My Pamela is a very prominent cardiologist in this our Nairobi, in fact she is often invited to attend conferences and seminars in countries such as, but not limited to: America, the UK, Switzerland, and Germany, to mention a few. So, from that brief summary, you can see that we has money, and that brings us to this auspicious occasooon.
My Tiffany has always been the apple of our eye. That is Sospeter Esquire and Pamela, MD’s eyes. We sent our Tiffany to British system schools here in Kenya, and then to the London School of Economics for her Law degree. As I said, she got her brains from me, so it follows that she would study law and join the family business. While our Tiffany was in London, she met this man who is sitting here beside her, who is now her husband. When she called me on my latest model iPhone and told me that she wanted to get married, I conducted some research into the background of this man. He comes all the way from the land of Chinua Achebe. I asked Tiffany. What is wrong with Luo men? Could you not find one? But you know how these children are, once they make up their minds, that is it. So I find myself giving my daughter in marriage to a man whose ancestry I don’t know, who could be those Nigerian princes who send people questionable emails. Haidhuru, when my Tiffany told me this was the man she has chosen, I decided it is better to save my energy for real battles, and not fight a small boy from the land of Boko Haram.
Before we sent our Tiffany to the land of William Shakespeare, we did our research. We did not just launch our daughter into a foreign land full of people who speak through their noses when they have perfectly healthy mouths. Dr. Pamela and myself scouted a few locations and found the Grosvenor house apartments in London to be most suitable to our precious daughter’s needs. If any of you deign to google the rent there, please hold your jaw because it will drop to the floor.
As you all know, British weather is depressing, and if you look to their food to lift your spirits you will be sorely disappointed because their cooks are the worst in the world. The combination of the weather and the bad food is enough to compel a sane person to jump into the river Thames in despair. It is no wonder they escaped that land and conquered the rest of the world, where the weather was better and the food actually tasted like food. That said, their education system is the best, therefore we decided that Grosvenor house, with its spas, would relieve our beloved Tiffany from the depression of eating British food and persevering the horrid weather.
But again, I have digressed. We are here today to celebrate the union of our dear Tiffany and the man from the land of Chinua Achebe. Our Tiffany, being the daughter of JD, Esquire and Pamela, MD, has had the best life has to offer. As you know, these Kenyan roads are terrible. The potholes here are deep enough to be used as an underground granary, and the dust on the roads is enough to grow Sukuma wiki. Because we did not want our Tiffany to feel any discomfort, we decided that she will be ferried exclusively in German cars. All the other cars out there are unsafe. I mean, some of these mkebespassing for cars I see on the road today are beyond unfit. If they hit you, you can get tetanus! Some people might ask themselves, why is Esquire telling us all this? Well, I am saying all this because I want the people from Nigeria to know that they must maintain Tiffany in the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed. If the dowry they brought is any indication, then my daughter, utaona siku ndefu, or for our non-Kiswahili speaking guests, she has a rough journey ahead.
Once Tiffany told us that she was getting married, we hired the best wedding planners in town. Some of them had never handled a wedding of this magnitude, and we knew this by the low prices they quoted for us as if we don’t has money yawa. We wanted the wedding to be an exclusive and once in a lifetime occasion. The flowers on your table were grown especially for this occasion. The wedding party’s clothing was custom made by Vera Wang herself. My bespoke suit, which you will never see anywhere else, was fitted and flown in from Paris, but do I say. Dr. Pamela’s clothes and shoes are by Valentino himself. Everything around you is unique and special. We don’t want our daughter’s wedding to look like these weddings you see on the wedding show. In fact, we declined to be on the wedding show because this wedding will be on Mtv. Many people wanted to be here today to witness this special occasion, but you were chosen, so you should all be very honored to be here today.
To my new son-in-law, take care of our Tiffany. In case you haven’t gathered it from my speech so far, she is very precious to us. She is always welcome to come back home if she finds that your ways are too strange for her to handle, or that her classy upbringing did not prepare her for the rowdiness of your people. We are gifting you a brand new Mercedes S550, in addition to the home we have purchased for you. I hope you have the money to put fuel in that car because they are after all the best of the best and they tend to drink fuel like an elephant drinks water. Also, we do not want our daughter driving around in a non-German car, because that is what she is accustomed to. Cheers to you all and enjoy the caviar and the Krug Clos d’Ambonnay 1998, which, if you are wondering, cost $2,000 a glass. Let me now welcome my brother from the land of Oga to speak on behalf of the groom’s family.”