My friend Ani is petite: five-foot-one on a good day, (and early in the morning before gravity compresses her vertebrae during the day) and very recently had her second child.
Ani is what I would describe as a nature lover. She eats all-organic food (including pasture raised and finished hotdogs), she receives acupuncture, cupping, sacral adjustments, detoxing foot baths, you get the picture. Ani is one with the earth.
The pesticide-steeped shadow of non-organic produce has never darkened the shelves of the store where Ani does her grocery shopping. One fine afternoon, a few weeks before her due date, Ani purchased spaghetti squash that was the very picture of health. Anyone who looked at this squash would have agreed that it was the exemplification of healthy squash. Ani was intent on making gluten-free spaghetti for her family that afternoon, and excitedly set about her task when she got home.
Almost an hour later, Ani sat down to enjoy the fruit of her labor, and when she took the first bite of the gluten-free, organic squash, it was very bitter. She did what we would all do. She stopped eating her meal and Googled reasons why squash would be bitter. Dr. Google, M.D, immediately informed her of a condition known as Toxic Squash Syndrome, a.k.a TSS (anything ending in Syndrome always sounds more ominous) that can be caused by consuming squash containing a group of chemicals called cucurbitacins. These cucurbitacins will result in what my doctor calls Gastrointestinal discomfort (extreme diarrhea) and excessive hair loss (also known as kipara ngoto in my neck of the woods).
Naturally, Ani, who was almost 9 months pregnant at this point, panicked, halted all squash-eating activity and proceeded to stick her finger down her throat to induce vomiting (to rid herself of the impending squashaggedon), when she ended up peeing herself in the process. Yes, she actually peed her pants. As one does when confronted by TSS. While she was processing this unfortunate turn of events, her doorbell rang. She quickly changed into dry shorts and went to answer the door. It was her colleagues, who had very thoughtfully surprised her with a group gift basket containing every imaginable goody a baby would need.
Ani was so frazzled by the thought of the potential side effects of TSS, that she blurted, “I peed my pants!” to the group gathered at her doorstep. After all, what’s pee among friends? It was in that moment that she realized the whole exchange was being recorded by one of her colleagues and would live on in iCloud infamy, not to mention the memories of the actual witnesses and all who would hear of squashaggedon .
Ani had a beautiful baby girl, she who survived squashaggedon and lives to one day hear the tale.